Life Quotes:

• I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
• If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
• Think twice before you speak, especially if you intend to say what you think.
• People in glasshouses should always wear clothes.
• Be careful whose toes you step on today, they might be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
• I have an open mind - it's just closed for repairs.
• You're just jealous cause the voices only talk to me.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Somebody who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world
• "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it."
• Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
• "Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time."
• "You're never too old to learn something stupid."
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
• Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
• If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean?
• Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
• This is my favourite time of day. Well, there it goes.
• If it ain't broke, break it! It'll do you good.
• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
• The hardest part of skating is the ice
• I've gotta be me - everyone else was already taken.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on cd.
• Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
• "Start off every day with a smile and get it over with."
• I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
• I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
• Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.- Emo Phillips
• The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Boys will be boys... and so will a lot of middle-aged men!
• Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay the more wrinkled you get
• If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
• A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
• The trouble with work is... it's so daily.
• If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
• Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• No matter where you are, there you are!
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.