Funny Quotes :

• On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. Bruce Willis
• Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?
• I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
• What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
• I am in shape. Round is a shape.
• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
• What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."
• I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
• All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
• Beer: Helping white guys dance since 1862
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
• When you fall off a horse don't get back on because the horse probably doesn't like you
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
• No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
• Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstyle you like.
• I like children. Properly cooked. W.C. Fields
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
• "If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
• Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath. Jacob Braude
• I think therefore I am... I think.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
• My door says, "Go ahead and knock, I'm already disturbed." --- Kira119
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy and you go well with Brie.
• Life is tough, get a helmet.
• Take the road not taken - the leaves crunch that much louder!
• Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.
• It's been lovely, but I must scream now.
• Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.
• It's your life; I'm just passing through.
• The secret to finding something is knowing where it is
• Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't. --Dr. Suess
• This life is a test, only a test. If it had been real you would have received further instructions on where to go and what to do!
• Time spent with cats is never wasted.
• I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.
• A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
• Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
• I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
• Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought 'Where the hell is the ceiling?'
• Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
• Don't cry over spilt milk, it makes it salty for the cats.
• Fungus is actually alive. Be afraid.
• You can't have everything...where would you put it?